I present to you now a classic. This was originally submitted to the Network Working Group as RFC1882 by Bill Hancock, Ph.D., in December of 1995. I revisit this every year, and it never fails to bring a smile to my face. Enjoy this blast from the past.
On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me: A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree anyway?)
On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It’s a 10GB database!)
On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Three French users (who, of course, think they know everything)
- Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all over the net)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)
On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over and over)
- Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over trivial things?)
- Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones they are?)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What’s a pointer error?)
On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they’re better than silver!)
- Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on hold?
- Three French users (No, we don’t have footpedals on PC’s. Why do you ask?)
- Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I would know which ones to fix!)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are you nuts?!?!)
On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Six games a-playing (On the production network, of course!)
- Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean “not terminated!”)
- Four support calls (No, don’t transfer me again – do you HEAR? Damn!)
- Three French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page to the screen…)
- Two transceiver failures (I can’t look at the LEDs – they’re in the ceiling!)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That’s where this was written?)
On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Seven license failures (Expired? When?)
- Six games a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to each other!)
- Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need “wide” SCSI?)
- Four support calls (At least the Muzak is different this time…)
- Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn’t an “any” key, but…)
- Two transceiver failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would set it myself!)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk to Lars – NOW!)
On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Eight MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They’re a security violation!)
- Seven license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?)
- Six games a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on updates?!?)
- Five golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It’s supposed to be fast, isn’t it?)
- Four support calls (I already told them that! Don’t transfer me back – DAMN!)
- Three French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to end a program)
- Two transceiver failures (What do you mean “babbling transceiver”?)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English in Oslo?)
On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Nine lady executives with attitude (She said do WHAT with the servers?)
- Eight MODEMs dialing (You’ve been downloading WHAT?)
- Seven license failures (We sent the P.O. two months ago!)
- Six games a-playing (HOW many people are doing this to the network?)
- Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean two have the same ID?)
- Four support calls (No, I am not at the console – I tried that already.)
- Three French users (No, only one floppy fits at a time? Why do you ask?)
- Two transceiver failures (Spare? What spare?)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I am trying to find Lars! L-A-R-S!)
On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What is that Godawful beeping?)
- Nine lady executives with attitude (No, it used to be a mens room? Why?)
- Eight MODEMs dialing (What Internet provider? We don’t allow Internet here!)
- Seven license failures (SPA? Why are they calling us?)
- Six games a-playing (No, you don’t need a graphics accelerator for Lotus! )
- Five golden SCSI contacts (You mean I need ANOTHER cable?)
- Four support calls (No, I never needed an account number before…)
- Three French users (When the PC sounds like a cat, it’s a head crash!)
- Two transceiver failures (Power connection? What power connection?)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (Restore what index pointers?)
On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Eleven boards a-frying (What is that terrible smell?)
- Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What’s a MIB, anyway? What’s an extension?)
- Nine lady executives with attitude (Mauve? Our computer room tiles in mauve?)
- Eight MODEMs dialing (What do you mean you let your roommate dial-in?)
- Seven license failures (How many other illegal copies do we have?!?!)
- Six games a-playing (I told you – AFTER HOURS!)
- Five golden SCSI contacts (If I knew what was wrong, I wouldn’t be calling!)
- Four support calls (Put me on hold again and I will slash your credit rating!)
- Three French users (Don’t hang your floppies with a magnet again!)
- Two transceiver failures (How should I know if the connector is bad?)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of that!)
On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Twelve virtual pipe connections (There’s only supposed to be two!)
- Eleven boards a-frying (What a surge suppressor supposed to do, anyway?)
- Ten SNMP alerts flashing (From a distance, it does kinda look like XMas lights.)
- Nine lady executives with attitude (What do you mean aerobics before backups?)
- Eight MODEMs dialing (No, we never use them to connect during business hours.)
- Seven license failures (We’re all going to jail, I just know it.)
- Six games a-playing (No, no – my turn, my turn!)
- Five golden SCSI contacts (Great, just great! Now it won’t even boot!)
- Four support calls (I don’t have that package! How did I end up with you!)
- Three French users (I don’t care if it is sexy, no more nude screen backgrounds!)
- Two transceiver failures (Maybe we should switch to token ring…)
- And a database with a broken b-tree (No, operator – Oslo, Norway. We were just talking and were cut off…)